sh*t i do...that he hates.

i believe in serendipity. i wasn't looking and this great guy plopped right into my lap. he really is amazing and does so much for us. he works really hard, communicates well, loves completely and totally and always has my back. seriously, what a catch. i literally could go on and on, but i'll save you from the "gag-fest" of love. 

let's get real, sometimes we have full on arguments about the dumbest stuff. my favorite? the time i was legit mad at him for not chasing me when i left after he essentially dared me to leave. seriously, kiranda? in any case, i realize that, while he has his faults{he's easily distracted and will interrupt a story in a heartbeat...grr}, i'm definitely no picnic to be with and around either. 

which brings me to...

SH*T I DO, THAT HE HATES.

refrigerator clutter.

twice a month {for grocery runs}, i empty out my refrigerator and organize everything according to sections and how often it's used. it's awesome. i also clean it out to minimize messes from spills. well, in between those two weeks, i can't really be bothered with it. and since i'm not the only person opening and grabbing things from there, things don't always get put back in an orderly fashion. often times, my fridge is a cluttered mess. and when i bring food or groceries over to John's house, he worries that his fridge will end up just as messy as mine. lol well, really...he shouldn't worry. i'm an organizing freak. we're both virgos...i think we're going to balance each other out very well. 

shower etiquette.

i'm a natural. meaning....i'm constantly doing something with my hair. constantly co-washing it. constantly styling it. constantly trying new styles, products, techniques, etc. my hair is also very very VERY curly. hair-typing says it's a 4a with 3c tendencies. {holy rabbit hole...} well i wash and detangle in the shower. and there's lots of shedding curls. and...i just leave them there. i don't really take care to grab the hair and toss it in the trash or toilet. so it looks like a bunch of curly cues {or pubic hairs} chillaxing in the shower. lol it really is un-sightly. 

shower etiquette pt 2.

ohandalso? i have a tendency to get water OUTSIDE of the shower curtain...like erry-day. whoops. :/

attack of the talons.

i have really sharp toenails and i don't really get pedicures often. so when we snuggle in bed at night, i scratch him, like ALL. the time. he says their like perma-strong. like velociraptor talons or something. lol

the car and the cell phone.

often times, i'll get a phone call or make a phone call when we're in the car. and i have every intention of making it a quick conversation. but...i was blessed with the gift of gab so i have a hard time shutting myself up and getting off the phone. and my poor man, he wants to chat with me or listen to music. instead, he's forced to listen to me go oooooon and ooooooon as i tend to do. poor guy.

of course, both of us know that these things are minor and not really important. in fact, it took him a little while to compile this list. lol i'm just glad this man loves me despite all of my stupid, ridiculous flaws. because for some people, these are deal breakers. and this post is helpful for me because whenever i want to yell at him or get "all in my feelings" over him doing something i don't particularly like, i'll look back on this post and remember, "ah....well he DOES put up with me." 

choices.

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just remember....i know the whole story. 

hurting.

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i don't know which is worse: crying yourself to sleep or wanting to cry and pretending you don't. 

there's that saying that the best cure for any sadness is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea. i can't tell you how many times i've sweated out my sadness in the gym or how i've stared out at the water trying to lose myself in it. but crying...sometimes that's the hardest thing for me. crying isn't a sign of weakness. no, it's a sign that someone has been strong for too long. a sign that their cup is running over and they can't hold it in anymore.

and if i cry, then i'm admitting that whatever it is....is too much.

i pride myself on being strong. on being the girl who can take on the world's problems and handle them without breaking a sweat. and most times i can. but there are times when i can't handle my own. and those times are when i break down and have to face the fact that, sometimes....it's too much.

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to say i'm heartbroken is to put it lightly.

to say that my chest feels heavy is to downplay the weight of my anxiety.

to say that i'm barely holding on is to over-estimate my ability to cope.

i'm here. i'm pushing forward. i'm trying.

because everything i felt was real.

everything i said. every smile. every hug. every hand hold. every kiss.

it was real. it was authentic. it was genuine.

every time i said i love you...i meant it. 

even from that first time...even though it was far too early.

even though i didn't know you from adam. 

i knew your kiss. i knew your touch. i knew the look in your eyes when you looked at me.

i knew how my stomach flip-flopped when i saw your face.

i knew how my heart grew an entirely knew chamber and etched your name in it.

and that was enough for me. 

but now, i question everything. 

i wonder what was real and what wasn't real for you.

i wonder if any of it was real.

if you meant any of the words you said.

or if it was "lip service".

i want to believe in the kisses and the words...the touches..the look in your eyes.

i want to believe in it all.

it's not going to be easy.

but i believe in it.

i still believe in 398.2

so right now, i'm crying on the inside. hoping that, right now, i'm strong enough to hold it all in.

because if i'm not, i'm going to need you to dry those tears.

i'm going to need you to be there.

and i need to trust that i can count on you.

mama confessions.

let's get real here.

motherhood is kay-OT-ic. lol that's chaotic if you couldn't read that well. there's so much info out there, but none of it seems to apply all the time. if i've learned one thing, it's that parenting kids is very personal, always changing, and never looks the same with different families...NOR is it the same within the same family! i have to parent both of my kids differently {same objectives though} simply because they respond to things differently.

so...with all of that...there are some confessions that i have as a mom. i think my kids are going to either find this hilarious or atrocious one day. and maybe...just maybe...other mom's have the same or similar confessions of their own. Holly from Our Holly Days started with her confessions and i'm following suit.

here's mine.

•  i frequently run into and lock myself in the pantry just to eat a package of their fruit snacks when they're not looking. 
•  i get them to take a nap by bribing them with something they want afterwards. it could be going on a walk, playing with their favorite toy or going to get ice cream later. i tell them they have to take a nap first and then we'll go. works every time. and they usually forget about it after naptime anyway. i don't remind them.
•  if i know their dad is coming home soon {within 15 minutes}, i'll leave them in a poop diaper so he "discovers it" when he picks them up.
• when i want to watch something other than kid shows, i put on American Dad. they don't mind because it's animated so they think it's a cartoon. 

hehe. alright....so don't just leave me hanging here. what are your mama confessions? 

kick it into gear.

so it's July.

i'm four months into my fitness journey and am reaching a serious plateau. in the beginning, after doing some research, i opted to bulk before leaning out. my thought process: having more muscle burns fat when not exercising. meaning, just doing my normal, daily, non-fitness routine...i'd be burning fat. and cutting weight later would result in a better body with more muscle definition.

i've had a blast with bulking. lifting heavy stuff has been SO MUCH FUN and a great stress reliever. i LOATHE cardio. but..it's time to get serious.

my goals for july: 

eat CLEAN.

no less than 5 days a week. i'm allowed two cheat days, but i prefer to only use one.

CARDIO everyday.

it doesn't have to be long, but it has to be effective.

i'm a big fan of HIIT training.

on days when i'm not at the gym, i have a few fitness dvds {insanity, turbo fire, 30 day shred, etc.} to help me with that.

i've got this....right?

*gulp*

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