Friday, July 5, 2013



i don't know which is worse: crying yourself to sleep or wanting to cry and pretending you don't. 

there's that saying that the best cure for any sadness is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea. i can't tell you how many times i've sweated out my sadness in the gym or how i've stared out at the water trying to lose myself in it. but crying...sometimes that's the hardest thing for me. crying isn't a sign of weakness. no, it's a sign that someone has been strong for too long. a sign that their cup is running over and they can't hold it in anymore.

and if i cry, then i'm admitting that whatever it is....is too much.

i pride myself on being strong. on being the girl who can take on the world's problems and handle them without breaking a sweat. and most times i can. but there are times when i can't handle my own. and those times are when i break down and have to face the fact that, sometimes....it's too much.


to say i'm heartbroken is to put it lightly.
to say that my chest feels heavy is to downplay the weight of my anxiety.
to say that i'm barely holding on is to over-estimate my ability to cope.

i'm here. i'm pushing forward. i'm trying.
because everything i felt was real.
everything i said. every smile. every hug. every hand hold. every kiss.
it was real. it was authentic. it was genuine.
every time i said i love you...i meant it. 
even from that first time...even though it was far too early.
even though i didn't know you from adam. 
i knew your kiss. i knew your touch. i knew the look in your eyes when you looked at me.
i knew how my stomach flip-flopped when i saw your face.
i knew how my heart grew an entirely knew chamber and etched your name in it.
and that was enough for me. 

but now, i question everything. 
i wonder what was real and what wasn't real for you.
i wonder if any of it was real.
if you meant any of the words you said.
or if it was "lip service".
i want to believe in the kisses and the words...the touches..the look in your eyes.
i want to believe in it all.

it's not going to be easy.
but i believe in it.

so right now, i'm crying on the inside. hoping that, right now, i'm strong enough to hold it all in.
because if i'm not, i'm going to need you to dry those tears.
i'm going to need you to be there.
and i need to trust that i can count on you.

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