i'm starting to feel like we're better off when we're too busy to be together.
there was a time when we couldn't keep our hands off each other. we did everything together, and we were happy about it. back then, we couldn't wait for the day to be over so we could lay in bed for a few minutes and just BE without any distractions. we put our phones down, turned the computer off, ignored the world and focused on each other. we talked about our future together. we lovingly worked through any issues, if we had any. it was just us. him and me against the world.
or maybe i was just delusional in all of it. maybe i was the one who did all of those things and he just passively went along with it. i loved enough for the both of us. i loved so damn much that i didn't notice anything. i mean, this was the time when he was not one hundred percent there with me. so let's be real about it.
but now, life has us in its grip. there's work and cleaning and housework and child rearing and finances to deal with. add to that, issues with infidelity and trust. add to that, not sleeping. and here we are. like i said, it's almost better when we're too busy to have time together. when everything else is going on, we're at opposite sides of a hurricane and we're just dying to get to the middle of it. the whole time we speak softly to each other, we cherish hugs and kisses, we say "i love you" until we're blue in the face. all while dancing in the storm. but it seems like when we get to the eye of the hurricane, the calm...where it's just him and me....it's not very calm at all. tensions are high, things we've left unsaid finally have the room to breathe...and we just don't connect.
i feel like i'm in love with a "could be/would be" rather than "what is". and it's breaking my heart. i yearn to talk about our future because some days (more than i care to mention) i don't even see a future. how can two people who can't love each other when they have the time spend a lifetime together. it's days like today that i don't see a marriage, i don't see a future, i don't see us growing old together. i feel so discouraged on days like today because simple conversations turn into rough disagreements and the entire thing has soiled the mood for the day. how am i supposed to wrap my arms around someone and love on them when the first thing i encounter is an attitude or a sour face? how am i supposed to feel good about myself when there's guilt being thrown at me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, at every curve. don't "choose me" if you don't want to. and certainly don't remind me that you've "chosen me" every time it fits your agenda to make me feel bad.
the last two weeks, we've been too busy to be alone. and we banded together to fight through it. as soon as we're alone, the shit hits the fan. and while you may have dodged the bullet and cleaned yourself up, i'm sitting here, dirty and covered and wondering how the hell i'm supposed to get back to where i was before. so i'm going to keep my distance. i'm going to stay busy and stay away. because it seems like that's the only time i can have a happy, loving relationship these days. and eventually something will change. either it'll stop or we'll give up. i don't know what's going to happen, but something will eventually give.