Wednesday, January 8, 2014

good intentions.

some days i wonder if there's anything really, truly good about me. i wonder if that old saying, "maybe it's not everyone else, it's you." is ringing true. don't think i'm crazy. i really...truly have those days. tonight is one of them. i'm wondering why anyone in the world would want to be with me. crazy, emotional, kind of out there kiranda. i've lost friends. i've ended relationships. hell, i'd say 90% of the time all relationships have ended because the other person is over it. so it really does make me question what i could possibly have to offer. 

i'm emotional. like super emotional. i cry during commercials and sad parts of movies. anything with any kind of significance to my life (in any way, shape or form) has tears streaming down my cheeks. i also get  very angry over little things. i get upset over things that most people don't even consider. i'm a sucker for principle. so if i feel wronged at all, i'll take my anger all the way to the bank. i don't act offended easily, but i tend to feel offended by things. especially if it's a personal thing. typical things don't offend me, but it's usually someone's incorrect perception of me that sends me flying off the handle. a lot of times i create my own insecurities and i feed them with actions from others that have no real connection to my insecurity. some people label me as a drama queen. *shrugs* meh...i just feel like i'm really in touch with my innards.

i have a super lazy side. there are days where i don't want to get up. like not at all. and if pissing myself was acceptable, i'd do it. i'll literally lay in bed for hours just to avoid getting up to use the bathroom. i love procrastination, as i tend to get my best work when i have no time left to think. i'll let laundry pile up for weeks before i actually do it. and if i wash and dry it, that's typically good enough. very rarely will i wash, dry AND fold and put away in the same day or same sitting. i hate cleaning, but i love a clean house. i'm too lazy to wash my hair sometimes. and even trying to stretch a curly or straight hairstyle by prepping it at night is too much work for me most nights. i'll trick my kids into grabbing the things i need, like pull-ups or wipes or the remote or a towel or something. or i'll ask someone else to do it for me. some days i don't shower because i don't want to go through the whole method. or if i need to, i'll sit in the bathtub so i don't have to actually stand because...yeesh, that's a whole lot of work. lazy girl i am. HELL...i don't even use capital letters while typing because that's just another thing for my fingers to have to do. seriously, it's a problem.

i'm also pretty obsessive. sometimes i'll get a wild hair up my butt and i'm like zero-ed in on whatever i need/ want to do. i get this way about cleaning, random tasks, new ventures, people, activities, etc. you name it. at some point in my life, i'll get obsessed with something and then EVERY.THING.IN.MY.WORLD.REVOLVES.AROUND.IT.  it's seriously unhealthy. then i kind of like burn out from it and then i avoid it at all costs. lol 

i peel my toenails and chew them. i hate wearing socks. i don't like putting on lotion after a bath or shower. i hate waxing my eyebrows/upper lip. shaving can be added to that too. i love to choose the absolute wrong time to talk about things that are bothering me. i sometimes start little arguments when really all i want is closeness. i take up too much space in bed. i always want to cuddle. except when i don't, then you need to get away from me. i ask for back rubs all the time, but don't want to reciprocate. i make my dog wait hours to go pee because i'm not ready to get up. i can be selfish. i love junkfood and sometimes it DOES taste better than skinny feels. i need constant verbal/non-verbal confirmation that i'm loved and all the many reasons why. i have this crazy desire to be accepted all the time. i hate criticism, but tend to seek it out all the time. i hate doing dishes. i rarely wash my makeup off. i hate brushing my teeth. 

i'm sure i could add so many things to this list. and i'm sure i have lots of people who'd like to add to this list for me.

but here's the absolute truth: at the end of the day, i'm always seeking to please the people i care about. i always have good intentions. i want to know that i'm changing into the absolute best person i can be. i seek growth and change in everything.

i just want to be loved. i want to feel that i'm loved. i want to know that i'm loved. is that really so difficult to fulfill? i don't know. i know that, for me, i am always looking for ways to do all of these things. 

tonight, i feel like i'll always feel alone because no one can accept me as flawed as i am. but if i could just have that one person, in my life, who gets that at the end of the day...underneath all the bad....there's so many good intentions..then maybe it'll work out after all. a girl can only hope.

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