distance.

i'm starting to feel like we're better off when we're too busy to be together.

there was a time when we couldn't keep our hands off each other. we did everything together, and we were happy about it. back then, we couldn't wait for the day to be over so we could lay in bed for a few minutes and just BE without any distractions. we put our phones down, turned the computer off, ignored the world and focused on each other. we talked about our future together. we lovingly worked through any issues, if we had any. it was just us. him and me against the world.

or maybe i was just delusional in all of it. maybe i was the one who did all of those things and he just passively went along with it. i loved enough for the both of us. i loved so damn much that i didn't notice anything. i mean, this was the time when he was not one hundred percent there with me. so let's be real about it.

but now, life has us in its grip. there's work and cleaning and housework and child rearing and finances to deal with. add to that, issues with infidelity and trust. add to that, not sleeping. and here we are. like i said, it's almost better when we're too busy to have time together. when everything else is going on, we're at opposite sides of a hurricane and we're just dying to get to the middle of it. the whole time we speak softly to each other, we cherish hugs and kisses, we say "i love you" until we're blue in the face. all while dancing in the storm. but it seems like when we get to the eye of the hurricane, the calm...where it's just him and me....it's not very calm at all. tensions are high, things we've left unsaid finally have the room to breathe...and we just don't connect.

i feel like i'm in love with a "could be/would be" rather than "what is". and it's breaking my heart. i yearn to talk about our future because some days (more than i care to mention) i don't even see a future. how can two people who can't love each other when they have the time spend a lifetime together. it's days like today that i don't see a marriage, i don't see a future, i don't see us growing old together. i feel so discouraged on days like today because simple conversations turn into rough disagreements and the entire thing has soiled the mood for the day. how am i supposed to wrap my arms around someone and love on them when the first thing i encounter is an attitude or a sour face? how am i supposed to feel good about myself when there's guilt being thrown at me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, at every curve. don't "choose me" if you don't want to. and certainly don't remind me that you've "chosen me" every time it fits your agenda to make me feel bad.

the last two weeks, we've been too busy to be alone. and we banded together to fight through it. as soon as we're alone, the shit hits the fan. and while you may have dodged the bullet and cleaned yourself up, i'm sitting here, dirty and covered and wondering how the hell i'm supposed to get back to where i was before. so i'm going to keep my distance. i'm going to stay busy and stay away. because it seems like that's the only time i can have a happy, loving relationship these days. and eventually something will change. either it'll stop or we'll give up. i don't know what's going to happen, but something will eventually give.

good intentions.

some days i wonder if there's anything really, truly good about me. i wonder if that old saying, "maybe it's not everyone else, it's you." is ringing true. don't think i'm crazy. i really...truly have those days. tonight is one of them. i'm wondering why anyone in the world would want to be with me. crazy, emotional, kind of out there kiranda. i've lost friends. i've ended relationships. hell, i'd say 90% of the time all relationships have ended because the other person is over it. so it really does make me question what i could possibly have to offer. 

i'm emotional. like super emotional. i cry during commercials and sad parts of movies. anything with any kind of significance to my life (in any way, shape or form) has tears streaming down my cheeks. i also get  very angry over little things. i get upset over things that most people don't even consider. i'm a sucker for principle. so if i feel wronged at all, i'll take my anger all the way to the bank. i don't act offended easily, but i tend to feel offended by things. especially if it's a personal thing. typical things don't offend me, but it's usually someone's incorrect perception of me that sends me flying off the handle. a lot of times i create my own insecurities and i feed them with actions from others that have no real connection to my insecurity. some people label me as a drama queen. *shrugs* meh...i just feel like i'm really in touch with my innards.

i have a super lazy side. there are days where i don't want to get up. like not at all. and if pissing myself was acceptable, i'd do it. i'll literally lay in bed for hours just to avoid getting up to use the bathroom. i love procrastination, as i tend to get my best work when i have no time left to think. i'll let laundry pile up for weeks before i actually do it. and if i wash and dry it, that's typically good enough. very rarely will i wash, dry AND fold and put away in the same day or same sitting. i hate cleaning, but i love a clean house. i'm too lazy to wash my hair sometimes. and even trying to stretch a curly or straight hairstyle by prepping it at night is too much work for me most nights. i'll trick my kids into grabbing the things i need, like pull-ups or wipes or the remote or a towel or something. or i'll ask someone else to do it for me. some days i don't shower because i don't want to go through the whole method. or if i need to, i'll sit in the bathtub so i don't have to actually stand because...yeesh, that's a whole lot of work. lazy girl i am. HELL...i don't even use capital letters while typing because that's just another thing for my fingers to have to do. seriously, it's a problem.

i'm also pretty obsessive. sometimes i'll get a wild hair up my butt and i'm like zero-ed in on whatever i need/ want to do. i get this way about cleaning, random tasks, new ventures, people, activities, etc. you name it. at some point in my life, i'll get obsessed with something and then EVERY.THING.IN.MY.WORLD.REVOLVES.AROUND.IT.  it's seriously unhealthy. then i kind of like burn out from it and then i avoid it at all costs. lol 

i peel my toenails and chew them. i hate wearing socks. i don't like putting on lotion after a bath or shower. i hate waxing my eyebrows/upper lip. shaving can be added to that too. i love to choose the absolute wrong time to talk about things that are bothering me. i sometimes start little arguments when really all i want is closeness. i take up too much space in bed. i always want to cuddle. except when i don't, then you need to get away from me. i ask for back rubs all the time, but don't want to reciprocate. i make my dog wait hours to go pee because i'm not ready to get up. i can be selfish. i love junkfood and sometimes it DOES taste better than skinny feels. i need constant verbal/non-verbal confirmation that i'm loved and all the many reasons why. i have this crazy desire to be accepted all the time. i hate criticism, but tend to seek it out all the time. i hate doing dishes. i rarely wash my makeup off. i hate brushing my teeth. 

i'm sure i could add so many things to this list. and i'm sure i have lots of people who'd like to add to this list for me.

but here's the absolute truth: at the end of the day, i'm always seeking to please the people i care about. i always have good intentions. i want to know that i'm changing into the absolute best person i can be. i seek growth and change in everything.

i just want to be loved. i want to feel that i'm loved. i want to know that i'm loved. is that really so difficult to fulfill? i don't know. i know that, for me, i am always looking for ways to do all of these things. 

tonight, i feel like i'll always feel alone because no one can accept me as flawed as i am. but if i could just have that one person, in my life, who gets that at the end of the day...underneath all the bad....there's so many good intentions..then maybe it'll work out after all. a girl can only hope.

twenty fourteen. day one.

1.1.14

so it's a new year. i had a moment last night (or early this morning, whichever you choose)....i can't believe that it's twenty fourteen. i mean, i can believe it...it's just that my brain is still stuck on the transition from 1999 to 2000, you know? but here we are. it's two thousand and fourteen. and live is still being lived.

there was a lot that went on in 2013. a lot. in every department of my life, there was some kind of change. some kind of triumph. some kind of loss. some kind of setback. some kind of hope. i had to come out of my comfort zone a few times...something that i feel like i'm just getting better and better at. i struggled with finding an identity....something i'm still trying to figure out. i struggled with falling in love.....there's something about losing yourself in someone that is just too scary and leaves you vulnerable. and i don't like being vulnerable. not one bit. i struggled with finding my place and groove as a mom, but i was able to do it. and i kind of like who i am in that department. there's always room for improvement, but hey...i'll take the victories as they come. 

but man, this year is all about change and getting settled into a new groove. and i'm excited about that. it makes me feel anxious. but more of the good anxious you know. so many things are expected to happen this year. and i know some of them will fail. i know some of my expectations will be exceeded. but as long as i keep a sound mind and my heart set on Jesus, i'm sure it'll be a fantastic year.

...there's something about this year that's just rippling through the air. i can feel it. 

i'm not a big resolution-er, but i do believe in visualizing where you want to be at the end of it all. so here are some things and areas that i've been contemplating making a change or growing in.

>> i'd like to seek Jesus more. i tend to be a hindsight-er when dealing with life. i want to be more proactive in my relationship with God. not praising Him when i'm reminded, but just making it a daily habit, whether things are going good or bad or staying the same. i just want to be more intentional.

>> i'd love to be more intentional with my relationships. family, friends, romantic, business, and the like. i want everyone to know where they fit in my heart and to make it my intention to show them as often as possible.

>> i want to stay child-like in my mind. not immature, just full of hope and wonder. there's something i see in my kids when i'm mindful of it. they are so fascinated and so tied to the littlest, seemingly unimportant things in their little world. and i want to be that way. they're never NOT impressed by something that most of us take for granted. i want to be that way.

>> i want to continue taking my health seriously. not just the weight aspect, but overall just living a healthier life. not just for me, but my entire family.

>> i want to continue to seek, identify and nurture my personal development as an individual. i've spent a lot of time identifying myself based on my relationships with other people (ie: daughter, wife, mom, etc.) i want to really figure out Kiranda. what makes her tick. what helps her grow. what her setbacks and weaknesses are. all of that. 

and really....i just want to be happy. like i said, there are so many things that i'm planning or expecting to happen and i just want to find the happiness in the midst of all of that. some of it is good. some of it...nah so much. but contentment is the name of the game.

this is just page one in this brand new book i've been gifted. i'm excited to see how the story develops...